Tuesday, April 28, 2009

One Year Ago

One Year Ago
my bags were packed.
The camera was charged.
I sat in the rocking chair of Noah's nursery,
I cried.
I prayed to God
And dreamed of the boy I would meet tomorrow.
Tonight
The diaper bag is packed for tomorrow.
My camera is charged.
I sat in the rocking chair with Noah in my lap.
I cried.
I prayed to God
And kissed the sweetest boy ever.

I have no idea why tonight was so emotional for me. Maybe it's because tonight was a little rough. Maybe it is because Noah will be one tomorrow. Probably a combination. I just sat in his room and remembered Hope, John and me sitting in Noah's room the night before I was going to be induced. It was a good memory.
Tonight, I was just overwhelmed by God's amazing grace as I held my sweet boy. This baby that I prayed so hard for. Noah is proof that God answers prayers, and he is even proof that sometimes the answer is no. Through all the months of fertility treatments, drugs, procedures, failed pregnancy tests month after month, I prayed and prayed harder than I have in my life. Even when doctors didn't give much hope, I already had Hope, Hope Louise, another answer to prayer, and I knew that it was possible for me to get pregnant. I can tell you that, for me, infertility was much harder the second time around. Partly because I got pregnant with Hope much faster than we ever dreamed, us or our doctor. I remember Dr. Wyatt after the first ultrasound, stopping his nurse in the hallway and excitingly telling her the good news. He knew she was a miracle baby too. With Noah, it was a much more emotionally difficult time. Lots of reasons, probably. Obviously it took much longer, I ended up with a lot more drugs and in the end, relied on a procedure. We were in Texas without family support as well. And honestly, being on that many fertility drugs for that long changed me. I was just a different person. I prayed for a baby all the time. It was really a "pray without ceasing" type of prayer that I just said over and over again. The day I found out I was pregnant with Noah was probably the biggest "spiritual high" I have ever had. God had finally answered yes!
Ok, now I know this will sound awful, but it's just the truth. I, of course, prayed for the health of my baby, but I also prayed for another girl. Isn't that silly? I just have never thought I wanted boys. But, oh my, I am so thankful that God answered No to that request! He knew that what I needed was this very special boy.
So, even though I am a little sad that my baby will be one year old tomorrow, I will end this post with what I say to Noah every night as I lay him down to sleep...
Thank You God for Noah Red.

4 comments:

tallgirl said...

says to self "No tears at work. No tears at work. Don't cry Tallgirl. don't cry."

Anonymous said...

I love this blog. I have to tell you that I had no idea all that you went through to have your beautiful babies... God really IS God of all things.. and it is so easy to get frustrated when we don't hear him or get the answers we want, but this is a perfect example of what happens when we do what we are commanded... "pray without ceasing"... and even though we don't understand his ways at that particular moment, we know his reasoning will be worth it in the end. Reading your blog reminded me of a song by Rita Springer called "Worth it All". You should check it out.. it's awesome... Love you cuz! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOAH RED!!!

--Samantha

Laura said...

Jill,
That was beautiful and definitely from your heart. All children are miracles, but you went through so much and have two beautiful children. He knew what he was doing when He gave you a boy! There is nothing like them!

Enjoy remembering every moment that you have cherished with Noah over the past year and thinking of all the moments the two of you have to share. Little boys truly are the sweetest things on Earth!

I hope you enjoy this day!

Jen said...

I didn't know you had such a struggle getting him here. I'm so happy for you that you have such a beautiful family.